You know what I love about vodka, besides how smart and dashing it makes me? I love that you can manufacture the stuff out of practically anything: grain, grapes, potatoes, sugar beet molasses, ketchup . . . why, an enterprising distiller could mop the octagon after next week’s Randy Couture fight in Oregon and turn that into a passable vodka spirit, once he filters out the bits of flesh and teeth and such.
Not everyone in the vodka world is so open-minded. In fact, the so-called “Vodka Belt” countries (Russia, Poland, Ukraine, etc.) reserve the “vodka” designation exclusively for spirits distilled from grain, potato and sugar beet. Grape-based vodkas have to be called something else. “Decadent Westerner Pussy Juice” is commonly used. In deference to the Putinist vodka purists, we at The Imbiber have limited the following double-blind taste test to grain-based vodkas. Happy, comrades?
THE TASTE TEST
Our taste test was conducted using five well-known commercial vodkas, with a panel of three testers: Tester A (female, mid 30s, sensitive palate), Tester B (male, late 30s, medium palate) and Tester C (male, early 30s, semi-alcoholic). All vodkas were chilled and consumed straight.
Grey Goose
Arguably America’s leading premium brand, this high-priced tipple was the concoction of septuagenarian billionaire Sidney Frank, the booze visionary who first imported Jagermeister to the States. Frank suspected that Americans would pay above-slot for a vodka bottle emblazoned with the French tricolor and fitted with a classy cork top, so he set up a distillery in Cognac and started exporting it to the U.S. in 1997. It was an immediate commercial smash and has since become a favorite lyrical trope for hip-hop stars like L’il Jon (“The Goose/Got me loose”).
Our panel was surprised by the Goose’s comparatively pungent nose and rich body. Off-put at first, Tester A called it “kinda buttery and viscous.” Tester B lauded its “velvet” texture and stomach-soothing finish, which supports the old adage that first-rate vodka is felt, not tasted.
Suggested use: Dry martini
Svedka
This mid-shelf Swedish vodka is best known for a provocative ad campaign in which a strangely fuckable-looking female robot (designed by movie model whiz Stan Winston, no less) proclaims that Svedka will be the world’s top-selling vodka in 2033.
She might be right, if quality is factored with price-point. Though Tester B complained that is was “fumy… almost medicinal,” Svedka was the top choice of Tester C, who liked its “all-around profile,” and scored well with Tester A, who called it “drinkable” and thought it would be great in one of her fruity chick drinks.
Suggested use: Pomegranate martini
Double Cross
Named after the cross-over-cross image on the Slovak flag, this new-jack vodka from Dracula-land boasts the coolest packaging concept in today’s field: a sharp-edged, rectangular vessel with a molded cap that one must coax off in the manner of a high-priced fragrance bottle. Initially, we didn’t know whether to drink Double Cross or dab it into under our chins.
Winner of the Gold Medal for taste and packaging design at the San Francisco World Spirits Competition, Double Cross is distilled like a som’bitch (seven times, yo) and makes use of an exotic “diamond dust” filtering process. Taster B dug it, lauding the vodka’s “sweetness and soft texture,” but the other two panelists were less impressed.
Suggested use: Cucumber martini
Sobieski
Admittedly, the panel was immediately and unfairly biased against this competitively-priced rye-based vodka, for the simple reason that it shares a name with the world’s most irritating actress, Leelee Sobieski. Like Leelee, the vodka is Polish. Also like Leelee, it has no apparent flavor and will quickly evaporate in direct sunlight.
But that’s where the similarity ends. Unlike Leelee, the vodka leaves a pleasant aftertaste and never once makes you want to smash its stupid blonde head with a polo mallet. Taster A liked its smooth finish, limited flavor profile and all-around feminine mystique. The verdict: Great chick vodka.
Suggested use: Vodka tonic
Diamond Standard
In the world of “value-added” marketing gimmicks, this product of Poland has no peer. First, the vodka is filtered through “thousands of De Beers diamonds,” because we all know precious De Beers diamonds filter out microscopic impurities in alcohol. Then comes the bottle; no run-of-the-mill bottle, mind you, but a “perfume-grade” glass pourer inset with a real Swarovski crystal. The bottle also comes with a stainless-steel pendant that made excellent bling for my cat. (see photo)
Needless to say, all this high-dollar ostentation made us feel like regular Paris Hiltons, so we spent the rest of the evening berating imaginary hotel staff and sucking off C-list actors on “night-vision” video. As for the vodka itself: Not half bad, but maybe not proportional to its premium price tag. Taster C applauded its “sipping potential” before gulping down half the bottle and passing out.
Suggested use: Gulped from the bottle, gangsta-style.
OVERALL WINNER: Grey Goose
