29/12/08 09:27
Barry also makes short films, does radio commentary and writes a weekly award-winning humor column for The Aspen Times -- "Irrelativity."
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07/08/08 11:23
Irrelativity Blueprint
By Barry Smith
www.barrysmith.com
When you read this column, I bet you think, "Wow, how incredibly spontaneous! Where DOES he come up with that stuff?"
Well, I could try to convince you that it has to do with the elusive Muse, or that it's the result of my nose-to-the-page/up-at-dawn work ethic, or just the daily outflow of my unfettered imagination, but the simple truth is this: I sit down for about 15 minutes at the beginning of each year and create a generic Irrelativity column blueprint. Then each week I open up that extensive "note to self," follow the path that I've laid out, occasionally filling in little bits of contemporary news here and there to make it seem spontaneous and ta-da! A column!
I know what you're thinking now - "15 minutes?! That seems like an awful long time to sit and write."
Indeed! It's an excruciatingly long time. That's why I don't do it all in one sitting...I write in 30-second bursts over the course of many days. This level of productivity is still quite taxing, but I figure the investment is worth it. I mean, I am laying the foundation for my entire creative output for (insert current year here.) Read More...
By Barry Smith
www.barrysmith.com
When you read this column, I bet you think, "Wow, how incredibly spontaneous! Where DOES he come up with that stuff?"
Well, I could try to convince you that it has to do with the elusive Muse, or that it's the result of my nose-to-the-page/up-at-dawn work ethic, or just the daily outflow of my unfettered imagination, but the simple truth is this: I sit down for about 15 minutes at the beginning of each year and create a generic Irrelativity column blueprint. Then each week I open up that extensive "note to self," follow the path that I've laid out, occasionally filling in little bits of contemporary news here and there to make it seem spontaneous and ta-da! A column!
I know what you're thinking now - "15 minutes?! That seems like an awful long time to sit and write."
Indeed! It's an excruciatingly long time. That's why I don't do it all in one sitting...I write in 30-second bursts over the course of many days. This level of productivity is still quite taxing, but I figure the investment is worth it. I mean, I am laying the foundation for my entire creative output for (insert current year here.) Read More...
17/07/08 22:43
Bible Versus
By Barry Smith
www.barrysmith.com
Like most of my ideas, this one started with a smart-ass comment.
The Jehovah's Witnesses were at my doorstep, witnessing. I enjoy their visits, but not for the reasons they'd hope. I enjoy them because it reminds me of how grateful I am that I don't have any convictions that require me to get all dressed up and go door-to-door. Heck, my strongest conviction barely requires me to wear pants.
So, we're chatting away, and they ask me what I think of the Bible as a book of guidance. I say I think it's probably fine, but then again, so is the phone book. And I'm only half-joking, but they don't seem to think my half of the joke is funny. I try to explain that I believe guidance comes in many forms. If your toilet is stopped up, it could be that looking up "Plumber" in the Yellow Pages will be of more use to you than opening the Bible and flipping to the parable of The Wicked Husbandman.
My example was not well received. They left without even giving me a Watchtower. That's not good. Read More...
By Barry Smith
www.barrysmith.com
Like most of my ideas, this one started with a smart-ass comment.
The Jehovah's Witnesses were at my doorstep, witnessing. I enjoy their visits, but not for the reasons they'd hope. I enjoy them because it reminds me of how grateful I am that I don't have any convictions that require me to get all dressed up and go door-to-door. Heck, my strongest conviction barely requires me to wear pants.
So, we're chatting away, and they ask me what I think of the Bible as a book of guidance. I say I think it's probably fine, but then again, so is the phone book. And I'm only half-joking, but they don't seem to think my half of the joke is funny. I try to explain that I believe guidance comes in many forms. If your toilet is stopped up, it could be that looking up "Plumber" in the Yellow Pages will be of more use to you than opening the Bible and flipping to the parable of The Wicked Husbandman.
My example was not well received. They left without even giving me a Watchtower. That's not good. Read More...
15/05/08 15:19
Blog Disappointment
By Barry Smith
Www.barrysmith.com
If you Google "Barry Smith Jesus," the first three web pages that come up will be mine. Try it if you don't believe me.
This is only noteworthy because I think the majority of the people who search for "Barry Smith Jesus" are not looking for me, but for the late Barry R. Smith, a well-known evangelist from New Zealand. He wrote many books on the return of Jesus, the apocalypse, prophecy, heaven, hell – your basic evangelical topics. Among the cheery titles are "Warning," "Second Warning," and "Final Notice."
According to Barry R. Smith, Jesus is going to be pretty pissed when He gets here. I, on the other hand, wrote a comedy show a few years ago about living in the basement of a man I thought was Jesus. Usually, though, I write about the exciting world that is me, and along the way I try to make as many bad puns as possible.
Oh, and I also wrote a poetry book called "Ode To Mustard."
So you can see where someone looking for the spiritual insight provided by the OTHER Barry Smith might be somewhat disappointed to find me. And not necessarily vice versa.
In a further effort to write about me, I, like everyone on the planet who can type, maintain a blog. On this blog I can access a detailed list of not only how many people have read my blog on any given day, but also exactly what they typed into Google to get them there.
I save that list, and I study it, and am starting to think that the people who found me by searching for "Barry Smith Jesus" aren't the only ones disappointed. Read More...
By Barry Smith
Www.barrysmith.com
If you Google "Barry Smith Jesus," the first three web pages that come up will be mine. Try it if you don't believe me.
This is only noteworthy because I think the majority of the people who search for "Barry Smith Jesus" are not looking for me, but for the late Barry R. Smith, a well-known evangelist from New Zealand. He wrote many books on the return of Jesus, the apocalypse, prophecy, heaven, hell – your basic evangelical topics. Among the cheery titles are "Warning," "Second Warning," and "Final Notice."
According to Barry R. Smith, Jesus is going to be pretty pissed when He gets here. I, on the other hand, wrote a comedy show a few years ago about living in the basement of a man I thought was Jesus. Usually, though, I write about the exciting world that is me, and along the way I try to make as many bad puns as possible.
Oh, and I also wrote a poetry book called "Ode To Mustard."
So you can see where someone looking for the spiritual insight provided by the OTHER Barry Smith might be somewhat disappointed to find me. And not necessarily vice versa.
In a further effort to write about me, I, like everyone on the planet who can type, maintain a blog. On this blog I can access a detailed list of not only how many people have read my blog on any given day, but also exactly what they typed into Google to get them there.
I save that list, and I study it, and am starting to think that the people who found me by searching for "Barry Smith Jesus" aren't the only ones disappointed. Read More...
16/04/08 21:51
My Birthday
By Barry Smith
www.barrysmith.com
It's my birthday this week. I'll be 42.
I take some comfort in the fact that this is how old Elvis was when he died. If I can just hold on for one more trip around the sun, then I'll officially have more staying power than Elvis. Then we'll see who the real King is.
Not that I'd be so bold as to compare myself with Elvis, but I think the similarities speak for themselves:
- We were both born in Mississippi.
- We share a love of peanut butter and banana sandwiches.
- We both eat our weight in bacon each year. Read More...
By Barry Smith
www.barrysmith.com
It's my birthday this week. I'll be 42.
I take some comfort in the fact that this is how old Elvis was when he died. If I can just hold on for one more trip around the sun, then I'll officially have more staying power than Elvis. Then we'll see who the real King is.
Not that I'd be so bold as to compare myself with Elvis, but I think the similarities speak for themselves:
- We were both born in Mississippi.
- We share a love of peanut butter and banana sandwiches.
- We both eat our weight in bacon each year. Read More...
17/03/08 15:31
Spam Nostalgia
By Barry Smith
www.barrysmith.com
Here’s something I never thought I’d hear myself say - I miss Spam.
Yes, after years of complaining about it and diligently training my Spam-killing and filtering software to expertly recognize and whisk away annoying junk email before I even have to look at it, I now find myself feeling a bit nostalgic for it.
I know, I know…this makes no sense. It’s akin to FINALLY getting rid of your migraine and then longing for those quiet evenings by the fire, feeling like your head has been used for splitting the firewood.
These days the only emails that make it through to my actual in-box are either work-related or from friends and family - people with names like Smith and Williams. No more emails from people named “Fixity V. Vulture” and "Queueing H. Unseasoned.” The email subjects are all “Hi” or “RE:Hi” or “Where’s this week’s column?!” No more “Get Paid To Eat And Shop” or “L@@K:Low Cost Term Life Insurance” or “u r stupid dumbass if u pay retail pri-ce for softwares.”
And the messages themselves are always the same old boring, “Barry, your column is late! And it had better not be another column about Spam, either!” God, how I yearn to once again open an email and read, “expectorate consider cluj omnipresent exeter stopgap bereft stiffen captious composite decelerate blackstone senora look feb floodlit superlunary cobblestone dacca response bridget peck noble grapevine cricket dampen electret congo.” Read More...
By Barry Smith
www.barrysmith.com
Here’s something I never thought I’d hear myself say - I miss Spam.
Yes, after years of complaining about it and diligently training my Spam-killing and filtering software to expertly recognize and whisk away annoying junk email before I even have to look at it, I now find myself feeling a bit nostalgic for it.
I know, I know…this makes no sense. It’s akin to FINALLY getting rid of your migraine and then longing for those quiet evenings by the fire, feeling like your head has been used for splitting the firewood.
These days the only emails that make it through to my actual in-box are either work-related or from friends and family - people with names like Smith and Williams. No more emails from people named “Fixity V. Vulture” and "Queueing H. Unseasoned.” The email subjects are all “Hi” or “RE:Hi” or “Where’s this week’s column?!” No more “Get Paid To Eat And Shop” or “L@@K:Low Cost Term Life Insurance” or “u r stupid dumbass if u pay retail pri-ce for softwares.”
And the messages themselves are always the same old boring, “Barry, your column is late! And it had better not be another column about Spam, either!” God, how I yearn to once again open an email and read, “expectorate consider cluj omnipresent exeter stopgap bereft stiffen captious composite decelerate blackstone senora look feb floodlit superlunary cobblestone dacca response bridget peck noble grapevine cricket dampen electret congo.” Read More...
