2008
17/03/08 15:31
Spam Nostalgia
By Barry Smith
www.barrysmith.com
Here’s something I never thought I’d hear myself say - I miss Spam.
Yes, after years of complaining about it and diligently training my Spam-killing and filtering software to expertly recognize and whisk away annoying junk email before I even have to look at it, I now find myself feeling a bit nostalgic for it.
I know, I know…this makes no sense. It’s akin to FINALLY getting rid of your migraine and then longing for those quiet evenings by the fire, feeling like your head has been used for splitting the firewood.
These days the only emails that make it through to my actual in-box are either work-related or from friends and family - people with names like Smith and Williams. No more emails from people named “Fixity V. Vulture” and "Queueing H. Unseasoned.” The email subjects are all “Hi” or “RE:Hi” or “Where’s this week’s column?!” No more “Get Paid To Eat And Shop” or “L@@K:Low Cost Term Life Insurance” or “u r stupid dumbass if u pay retail pri-ce for softwares.”
And the messages themselves are always the same old boring, “Barry, your column is late! And it had better not be another column about Spam, either!” God, how I yearn to once again open an email and read, “expectorate consider cluj omnipresent exeter stopgap bereft stiffen captious composite decelerate blackstone senora look feb floodlit superlunary cobblestone dacca response bridget peck noble grapevine cricket dampen electret congo.” Read More...
By Barry Smith
www.barrysmith.com
Here’s something I never thought I’d hear myself say - I miss Spam.
Yes, after years of complaining about it and diligently training my Spam-killing and filtering software to expertly recognize and whisk away annoying junk email before I even have to look at it, I now find myself feeling a bit nostalgic for it.
I know, I know…this makes no sense. It’s akin to FINALLY getting rid of your migraine and then longing for those quiet evenings by the fire, feeling like your head has been used for splitting the firewood.
These days the only emails that make it through to my actual in-box are either work-related or from friends and family - people with names like Smith and Williams. No more emails from people named “Fixity V. Vulture” and "Queueing H. Unseasoned.” The email subjects are all “Hi” or “RE:Hi” or “Where’s this week’s column?!” No more “Get Paid To Eat And Shop” or “L@@K:Low Cost Term Life Insurance” or “u r stupid dumbass if u pay retail pri-ce for softwares.”
And the messages themselves are always the same old boring, “Barry, your column is late! And it had better not be another column about Spam, either!” God, how I yearn to once again open an email and read, “expectorate consider cluj omnipresent exeter stopgap bereft stiffen captious composite decelerate blackstone senora look feb floodlit superlunary cobblestone dacca response bridget peck noble grapevine cricket dampen electret congo.” Read More...
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21/02/08 17:41
Retro
YouTube
By Barry Smith
www.barrysmith.com
Just when I managed to finally wrest myself from the time-wasting grip of Wikipedia (because who doesn't suddenly have the urge to read lots of flimsily cited information about, say, Mr. Magoo?) I land directly in the clutches of YouTube.
Out of the www.fryingpan.com and into the www.fire.com. I've been perusing YouTube for an average of about 13 hours a day for the better part of a week, and I've gleaned three very important facts about myself and the world in general.
They are, in order:
1) Given a forum in which one can, with a very limited budget, create and present a video that has the potential to literally reach millions — and given the topics available to be addressed in video format, like education, uncovering social injustices, political corruption exposes and pressing local and national issues — most people opt to post videos of their dogs barking at vacuum cleaners.
2) When it comes right down to it, I like to watch videos of dogs barking at vacuum cleaners a lot more than I like watching videos about social injustice, etc.
3) The YouTube comments section is a very good argument against the theory of evolution.
After a particularly nasty YouTube binge, I had a Twilight Zone-like thought: what if YouTube had been around for a long, long time, and some of the more important moments in history had been captured on video and posted there? What sort of comments would people have posted? Read More...
By Barry Smith
www.barrysmith.com
Just when I managed to finally wrest myself from the time-wasting grip of Wikipedia (because who doesn't suddenly have the urge to read lots of flimsily cited information about, say, Mr. Magoo?) I land directly in the clutches of YouTube.
Out of the www.fryingpan.com and into the www.fire.com. I've been perusing YouTube for an average of about 13 hours a day for the better part of a week, and I've gleaned three very important facts about myself and the world in general.
They are, in order:
1) Given a forum in which one can, with a very limited budget, create and present a video that has the potential to literally reach millions — and given the topics available to be addressed in video format, like education, uncovering social injustices, political corruption exposes and pressing local and national issues — most people opt to post videos of their dogs barking at vacuum cleaners.
2) When it comes right down to it, I like to watch videos of dogs barking at vacuum cleaners a lot more than I like watching videos about social injustice, etc.
3) The YouTube comments section is a very good argument against the theory of evolution.
After a particularly nasty YouTube binge, I had a Twilight Zone-like thought: what if YouTube had been around for a long, long time, and some of the more important moments in history had been captured on video and posted there? What sort of comments would people have posted? Read More...
14/02/08 11:44
Predictions: 2008 Edition
By Barry Smith
www.barrysmith.com
One of Nostradamus's most famous predictions is that of the rise of Hitler - 400 years before it happened! Nostradamus warned of a "child of Germany" who would "observe no law" and "raise up a hatred that had long been dormant." This man, according to the prediction, would be named "Hister."
OK, so he missed "Hitler" by one letter. So what? It's still enough to make even the most skeptical take note.
Those of you who've followed Irrelativity for a while know that my annual predictions column is traditionally Nostradamus-like in its uncanny accuracy. For example, many years ago I successfully predicted the rise of the personal computer. Sure, back then I referred to it as a "Qumputer," but still...that's only one or two letters off.
And what about my calling of the 2000 presidential election? "Husb." Got all four letters right, just in a slightly different order. Big deal. In the 2004 election I predicted the winner to be "Subh." Again, correct letters, wrong order...uncanny...
AND how could one forget my prediction of the SUV that runs on toast? Pretty impressive bit of soothsaying, wouldn't you say?
"But," you protest. "That hasn't happened."
To which I reply: "Yeq!"
Sorry - "Yet." I meant to say "yet." Read More...
By Barry Smith
www.barrysmith.com
One of Nostradamus's most famous predictions is that of the rise of Hitler - 400 years before it happened! Nostradamus warned of a "child of Germany" who would "observe no law" and "raise up a hatred that had long been dormant." This man, according to the prediction, would be named "Hister."
OK, so he missed "Hitler" by one letter. So what? It's still enough to make even the most skeptical take note.
Those of you who've followed Irrelativity for a while know that my annual predictions column is traditionally Nostradamus-like in its uncanny accuracy. For example, many years ago I successfully predicted the rise of the personal computer. Sure, back then I referred to it as a "Qumputer," but still...that's only one or two letters off.
And what about my calling of the 2000 presidential election? "Husb." Got all four letters right, just in a slightly different order. Big deal. In the 2004 election I predicted the winner to be "Subh." Again, correct letters, wrong order...uncanny...
AND how could one forget my prediction of the SUV that runs on toast? Pretty impressive bit of soothsaying, wouldn't you say?
"But," you protest. "That hasn't happened."
To which I reply: "Yeq!"
Sorry - "Yet." I meant to say "yet." Read More...
31/01/08 09:34
The Bad Guru Spaeketh
By Barry Smith
Dear Bad Guru,
You remember that one lady who thought her grilled cheese sandwich looked like a profile of Jesus? Well, that happened to me, only it was a chicken panini and it looked like Buddha. It freaked me out so much that I ate it quickly. That would have been OK, but then the next day I made a breakfast burrito that, when the light hit it just right, looked like the Virgin Mary. Again, I ate it. Quickly.
Well, this was over a month ago, and since then I haven't been able to prepare a meal that doesn't resemble some sort of religious figurehead. I've seen Vishnu, Mohammad, Jesus (baby AND crucified), Krishna, Zoroaster, Zeus, Thor, Odin and Isis in everything from SpaghettiOs to lobster thermador. Just last night I saw Apocatequil, the Incan God of Lightning, in a bowl of microwave popcorn. I'm starting to see demigods in snack food! Not only is this spiritually perplexing, but I'm also gaining weight like crazy!
Help. Please.
Signed,
Hank in Michigan
Dear Hank,
You are experiencing the blending of stomach and soul - they aren't really separated, but Western culture would have us believe otherwise. As these two worlds meet - the sacred and the delicious - you will experience some initial discomfort. Think of it as Spiritual Heartburn. It shall pass. Just be glad you aren't suffering from Irritable Howell Syndrome, where the spiritual and gastrointestinal begins to meld with the world of Gilligan's Island plots. That's brutal. Read More...
By Barry Smith
Dear Bad Guru,
You remember that one lady who thought her grilled cheese sandwich looked like a profile of Jesus? Well, that happened to me, only it was a chicken panini and it looked like Buddha. It freaked me out so much that I ate it quickly. That would have been OK, but then the next day I made a breakfast burrito that, when the light hit it just right, looked like the Virgin Mary. Again, I ate it. Quickly.
Well, this was over a month ago, and since then I haven't been able to prepare a meal that doesn't resemble some sort of religious figurehead. I've seen Vishnu, Mohammad, Jesus (baby AND crucified), Krishna, Zoroaster, Zeus, Thor, Odin and Isis in everything from SpaghettiOs to lobster thermador. Just last night I saw Apocatequil, the Incan God of Lightning, in a bowl of microwave popcorn. I'm starting to see demigods in snack food! Not only is this spiritually perplexing, but I'm also gaining weight like crazy!
Help. Please.
Signed,
Hank in Michigan
Dear Hank,
You are experiencing the blending of stomach and soul - they aren't really separated, but Western culture would have us believe otherwise. As these two worlds meet - the sacred and the delicious - you will experience some initial discomfort. Think of it as Spiritual Heartburn. It shall pass. Just be glad you aren't suffering from Irritable Howell Syndrome, where the spiritual and gastrointestinal begins to meld with the world of Gilligan's Island plots. That's brutal. Read More...
