And while we're on the topic of cheap sex, I'd be remiss if I didn't mention the mystical Dominican concoction known as Mamajuana and its purported aphrodisiac powers. I felt news of this beverage warranted investigation. Unfortunately I had to conduct that investigation in a room full of pasty U.S. journalists. 

But the best reason to visit the land of Sammy Sosa is its delicious rum. Or as I’ve said to every bartender I've met, “you can’t spell drunk without the D.R.!” They hate me here. The most-quaffed brand here is Brugal. Though most Americans have never heard of it, Brugal ranks third in sales worldwide (right behind Bacardi and Captain Morgan). And somehow, even though I love rum and am supposed to be a professional drinker, prior to being invited down here to sample the stuff by the fine folks at Shaw-Ross International Importers, I was oblivious to the joys of this 120-year-old brand, made with molasses from 100-percent Dominican-grown sugar cane.

Not anymore. Right now I’m pouring Brugal over my Corn Flakes as I lounge on the balcony of my suite overlooking the ocean at the posh Casa Colonial resort and spa in Puerto Plata. Thanks Shaw-Ross International Importers! I’d say I owe you one, but that would be a clear violation of this thing they call journalistic ethics.

So where was I? Ah, right, objectively singing the praises of Brugal Rum…

I’ve grown quite fond of the exceptionally smooth Extra Viejo (“extra old”), which retails for around $25. It’s a blend of older reserves that commands attention with a dark crystallized amber appearance and mouth-watering bouquet of raisins, toasted oak and pipe tobacco notes. Its textured, seemingly weightless body delivers long-lasting flavors that include French roast coffee, warm toffee, hot cocoa and hints of nutmeg and anise. It tastes timeless, classic and elegant. Surely, my dearly departed rum-loving granddad would have shit himself if he’d tried this stuff. Actually in his later years he would have shit himself pretty much no matter what. But definitely if he got ahold of some Brugal.

And I’m not alone in loving this stuff. Esteemed rum expert Matt Robold of Rumdood.com claims drinking Brugal Extra Viejo is a "very interesting and altogether pleasant experience.” And in his best-selling tome Kindred Spirits, leading U.S. spirits authority Paul Pacult refers to Brugal Extra Viejo as “stunning… all the sensory delights promised in the color and nose are fulfilled in a balanced stately manner.” And I agree wholeheartedly. Except I would have used “opulent” instead of “stately.” I’m frisky that way.

As for how to drink it, the Extra Viejo is purely a sipping rum. Straight or on the rocks. Maybe a squeeze of lime. If you’re hankering for a cocktail, now that the weather’s turned chilly I suggest the toasty Dulce Dominicana created by master mixologist Jonathan Pogash using Brugal Anejo.

To make it, pour 1 oz. Brugal Anejo Rum, 1/2 oz. Vanilla Liqueur and 1/4 oz. Allspice Liqueur into a mug. Then heat 1 cup of apple cider, a pinch of whole cloves, a pinch of star anise and three orange slices in a saucepan until simmering. Strain the hot mixture into the mug, and garnish with one of the stewed orange slices and a fresh star anise. It’s like a down comforter for your brain.